threat level: finding out

mum's dubai guide (apocalypse edition)

your son's AI made you a travel guide and then iran launched Operation Epic Fury (their actual name for it, genuinely) and now the fairmont hotel is on fire and DXB โ€” the busiest airport on the planet โ€” just went dark. the vibes are off.

๐Ÿ“ the edition, downtown ๐Ÿ“… feb 28 โ€” mar 12 โ˜€๏ธ 17โ€“28ยฐC โœˆ๏ธ airport: closed lol ๐Ÿš€ interceptor debris: falling

moved to dubai for the tax shelter. now you're in a bomb shelter. people are filming ballistic missile intercepts from hotel rooftops while flexing rolexes. the fairmont just got a 1-star review from a shahed drone. the gold souk is still open though because dubai is genuinely built different.

running ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™€๏ธ

outdoor running is on pause because iran called an airstrike "operation epic fury" and honestly you can't even be mad at that branding. the hotel treadmill is now critical national infrastructure.

status update

look. running outside while a country 200km across the water is lobbing ballistic missiles is what twitter would call "a lack of situational awareness." interceptor debris is literally falling on the city rn. your air defense system is technically bombing you. the edition gym has treadmills and a marked absence of falling shrapnel. sometimes the boring option is the correct option.

๐Ÿช scenic

kite beach track

14km of soft beachfront with burj al arab views. in normal times, this is the play. right now it's more of a "when this all blows over" bookmark. lined with cafes for the post-run flat white that is, let's be honest, 80% of why anyone runs.

๐Ÿ“ 14km (do what you want) ๐Ÿ–๏ธ beachfront ๐Ÿš• ~15 min
๐Ÿ–๏ธ classic

jumeirah beach track

7km purpose-built route from umm suqeim, right under the burj al arab. gulf breeze, soft surface, sunrise that makes you briefly reconsider your entire life. you won't become a morning person. but for 45 minutes you'll believe you could.

๐Ÿ“ 7km one way ๐Ÿ—๏ธ soft surface ๐Ÿš• ~15โ€“20 min
๐ŸŒŠ chill

dubai canal loop

6.4km paved loop almost on your doorstep. skyline views, well lit, no influencers. the route you do when you want to say you ran but don't want to make it a whole personality trait.

๐Ÿ“ 6.4km loop ๐Ÿ›ค๏ธ paved ๐Ÿšถ walk from hotel
๐Ÿ™๏ธ doorstep

downtown boulevard

literally outside the hotel. 3โ€“4km around burj khalifa while the world's tallest building catches the sunrise and you jog past in your travel trainers feeling like main character energy incarnate.

๐Ÿ“ 3โ€“4km ๐Ÿšถ just walk outside โ˜• cafes everywhere

hydration psa

dubai air will dehydrate you faster than doomscrolling twitter while iran live-tweets "operation epic fury." water is not optional. and if you run one way and careem back โ€” that's not quitting, that's what the military calls "tactical withdrawal." literally what the US does except your uber costs AED 30 instead of $2 trillion.

things to do ๐Ÿงญ

the fairmont is on fire, DXB is closed, interceptor debris is falling from the sky, and the gold souk is still open because this city runs on a frequency the rest of the world cannot comprehend. come for the tax breaks, stay because your flight got cancelled.

the heat schedule (non-negotiable)

6amโ€“10am โ€” go outside. it's genuinely beautiful. do the culture stuff.
10amโ€“4pm โ€” go inside immediately. the sun is not the polite english sort. it has chosen violence.
4pmโ€“9pm โ€” go back outside. sunsets here go unreasonably hard.

๐Ÿ•Œ culture

al fahidi historical district

old dubai. wind towers, narrow lanes, courtyard cafes, art galleries that would make shoreditch jealous. proof that dubai existed before someone said "what if we made everything really, really tall." museum is AED 3. that's 65p. you literally cannot afford not to go.

๐Ÿš• ~15 min ๐Ÿšถ 2โ€“3 hours ๐Ÿ’ฐ free (museum 65p)
๐ŸŽจ art

alserkal avenue

converted warehouses full of galleries and indie cafes, 20 minutes from a mall that has a ski slope in it. the cognitive dissonance is part of the charm. nightjar does coffee that will ruin every other coffee for you forever. you've been warned.

๐Ÿš• ~20 min ๐Ÿšถ 1โ€“2 hours ๐Ÿ’ฐ free
โ›ต essential

dubai creek & souks

AED 1 abra (water taxi) across the creek, then gold souk and spice souk. the spice souk is the real one โ€” saffron mountains, frankincense, the lot. the abra ride is now, statistically, the most perilous naval crossing in the persian gulf. iran just hit the palm jumeirah. the strait of hormuz is a no-go. and you're on a wooden boat for AED 1 like it's nothing. this is the most unhinged flex possible and nobody will ever believe you.

๐Ÿš• ~20 min ๐Ÿšถ 2โ€“4 hours ๐Ÿ’ฐ basically free
๐ŸŒ… sunset

JBR walk & the beach

long promenade, restaurants, the ain dubai wheel, and a beach where everyone looks like they've been personally lit by a cinematographer. best at sunset when the light forgives everything and every single person looks like they're shooting a fragrance advert. the vibes are immaculate even if the geopolitics aren't.

๐Ÿš• ~25 min ๐Ÿšถ evening walk ๐Ÿฝ๏ธ great food
๐ŸŒธ unhinged

miracle garden

150 million flowers shaped into hearts, castles, and a full-size emirates A380 covered entirely in petals. it is magnificent. it is completely deranged. you will take 400 photographs and every single one will slap. iran launched "operation epic fury" and someone in dubai said "yes but have you seen our flower plane." this city is completely unserious and i respect it deeply.

๐Ÿš• ~25 min ๐Ÿšถ 1.5โ€“2 hours ๐Ÿ’ฐ AED 55
๐Ÿ–ผ๏ธ iconic

dubai frame

150m tall picture frame. glass floor at the top. old dubai one side, new dubai the other, existential crisis in the middle. go at sunset. try not to think about how a giant empty frame is somehow the most honest piece of architecture in a city built on vibes and audacity. ngl it genuinely hits different when there's smoke from intercepted ballistic missiles on the horizon. your instagram story will go unimaginably hard.

๐Ÿš• ~10 min โฑ๏ธ ~1 hour ๐Ÿ’ฐ AED 50
๐ŸŒ evening

global village

90+ country pavilions. food from everywhere. the UN but with better kebabs, no vetoes, and nobody's blocking a resolution. go when it's dark and everything's lit up. you'll eat food from like eight countries and come home carrying snacks from six more. this is the geopolitical solution nobody tried. 90 countries peacefully coexisting through kebabs. someone send iran and israel here instead.

๐Ÿš• ~30 min ๐Ÿšถ 3โ€“4 hours ๐Ÿ’ฐ AED 25
๐Ÿ–๏ธ beachy

la mer

trendy beachfront with street art, boutique shops, and restaurants with too many fairy lights. extremely instagrammable. the kind of place where you order an "aรงaรญ bowl" and pretend you've always known what that is. your secret is safe.

๐Ÿš• ~12 min ๐Ÿšถ 2โ€“3 hours ๐Ÿ’ฐ free

getting around ๐Ÿš•

everything is 10โ€“30 minutes away by car. nothing is reachable by plane because DXB is closed and 280+ flights just got cancelled. thousands of people are standing in terminal queues going nowhere. but taxis still work. dubai finds a way.

๐Ÿ“ฑ

uber / careem

both work perfectly. careem is the local one, usually cheaper. your nan would approve.

๐Ÿš•

taxis

metered, safe, everywhere. AED 30โ€“50 to beach areas. cheaper than a birmingham uber which is saying something.

๐Ÿš‡

metro

closest station right there. great for malls. not great for beaches. air conditioned, which here is basically a human right.

๐Ÿšถ

walking

dubai mall & fountains are walkable. midday sun remains undefeated. 47-0 lifetime record. don't challenge it.

taxi times from your hotel

๐Ÿช kite beach~15 min ยท AED 30โ€“40
๐Ÿ–๏ธ jumeirah beach~15โ€“20 min ยท AED 35โ€“45
๐Ÿ•Œ al fahidi / creek~15 min ยท AED 25โ€“35
๐ŸŒ… JBR walk~25 min ยท AED 45โ€“60
๐Ÿ–ผ๏ธ dubai frame~10 min ยท AED 20โ€“30
๐ŸŒธ miracle garden~25 min ยท AED 50โ€“65
๐ŸŒ global village~30 min ยท AED 55โ€“70

actually useful intel

โ€ข 5:30am taxis โ€” empty roads, no surge, 10 min to the beach. elite hours.
โ€ข careem > uber on price most of the time here.
โ€ข run one way, cab back โ€” this is strategy, not surrender. sigma move.
โ€ข keep passport + power bank in your day bag. not paranoia. just preparedness. the people filming shahed drones from palm jumeirah rooftops while flexing AP royal oaks โ€” those people had vibes but no exit strategy. be better than them.

day plans ๐Ÿ“‹

mix and match. swap outdoor stuff for indoor whenever iran decides to drop another operation with an objectively fire name. all plans designed around the two immovable threats: the midday sun and the islamic revolutionary guard corps.

// the beach morning

5:30am
taxi to kite beach โ€” if outdoor ops are a go. if not, treadmill at the hotel while watching BBC and processing your feelings.
5:45am
run the jumeirah track โ€” sunrise over the gulf, burj al arab in frame. main character energy. check twitter first to make sure nobody's filming interceptor debris falling from the sky.
7:30am
breakfast at kite beach โ€” coffee + aรงaรญ bowl + the mild dissociation appropriate to the current state of world affairs.
8:30am
taxi back โ€” before the sun starts taking things personally.
11amโ€“3pm
pool, spa, or dubai mall โ€” the mall has 1,200 shops, an aquarium, and a ski slope. one of those will interest you. statistically guaranteed.
6pm
dubai fountains โ€” every 30 min from 6pm, right on your doorstep. a comforting reminder that humans can still coordinate on something positive.

// the culture one

6am
downtown boulevard loop โ€” easy 3โ€“4km walk/jog. or stay in bed. both are valid life choices and i'm not here to judge.
8:30am
taxi to al fahidi โ€” old lanes, courtyard cafes, museum. the dubai that existed before anyone discovered glass and steel.
10:30am
abra across the creek โ€” AED 1 for a wooden boat ride across the water. your single most dangerous naval crossing this trip. iran just hit three countries across the gulf and you're paying AED 1 to cross a creek on a wooden boat. the duality of man.
12:30pm
lunch in deira โ€” karachi darbaar is legendary. the kind of food that makes you briefly forgive everything that's wrong with the world, and there is a lot wrong with the world right now.
2pm
back to hotel โ€” rest through the hot hours. this is mandatory, not lazy. the sun has spoken.
4:30pm
dubai frame at sunset โ€” stunning views. walk through zabeel park after if the vibe check passes.

// the art & beach day

5:30am
dubai canal sunrise โ€” walkable from hotel, beautiful light on the water. or sleep in. no wrong answers here.
9am
alserkal avenue โ€” galleries, nightjar coffee, pretending you understand conceptual art while mostly just vibing.
11:30am
taxi to la mer โ€” beach, street art, lunch. very aesthetic. your instagram will thank you.
2pm
hotel pool โ€” lie horizontal. read a book. pretend bloomberg doesn't exist for two hours. self care is not optional when iran is calling airstrikes "operation epic fury" and the us consulate is telling you to shelter in place.
5:30pm
sunset walk โ€” JBR or kite beach. the gulf does unreal sunsets. it's one of its better qualities right now.

// the global village evening

morning
light cardio + chill โ€” pool, treadmill, late breakfast. dealer's choice.
4pm
taxi to global village โ€” 90+ country pavilions. food from everywhere. enough sensory input to forget that DXB is closed, the fairmont is on fire, and iran has entered its villain arc. the geopolitical equivalent of touching grass, except it's street food and you're technically in a conflict zone.
9pm
taxi home โ€” full of food from twelve countries, carrying souvenirs from six more, wondering why global diplomacy can't be this straightforward.

the list โœ…

tap to check off. progress is saved on your phone. whether your phone survives the geopolitical situation is, admittedly, a separate question. (it will. probably. inshallah.)

running (pending world peace)

kite beach sunrise run
14km soft track, burj al arab views
jumeirah beach track (7km)
umm suqeim to jumeirah 1
dubai canal loop
6.4km, walkable from hotel
downtown boulevard jog
right outside the edition

everything else

al fahidi historical district
old dubai, wind towers, 65p museum
abra ride across the creek
AED 1 โ€” most dangerous naval crossing in the gulf
gold souk & spice souk
the spice souk is the actual gem here
dubai frame
150m glass floor existential crisis machine
alserkal avenue
art, nightjar coffee, conceptual vibes
la mer
street art, beach, aรงaรญ bowls of unknown origin
miracle garden
150 million flowers. a flower plane. absolute madness.
global village
the UN but with better kebabs and no vetoes
JBR walk at sunset
fragrance advert vibes, ain dubai views
dubai fountains
every 30 min from 6pm โ€” you literally live there